(no subject)

[symbioidlj]

Last night, a brief glimpse of the void wound itself into my brain. And a slight terror of the grave crept in along with it.

Frozen. That's how I felt. And suddenly helpless. Mortal.

And that happens sometimes. A realization of mortality. But generally for me, it's a mild background fear... In some ways, I am at ease with death, in others, I am not. Most assuredly, I do not wish to die young. And even more so, I do not wish to die before my time. And my time, I feel, is when I have accomplished something. I don't know what that is.

Strangely, I don't believe in fate, or destiny, or purpose, yet, at the same time, I feel like I do have a goal. I have lucked out at times, and I feel every so often that that's because I won't die until my purpose is complete.

And I realized today that a subconscious(now made conscious) reason why I never finish things is this fear. I remember feeling a few years back like a deer staring at the headlights of death and immobilized by this racing car, and I never could do anything, but focus on it. This fear of death froze me... But it's not like a deer in the headlights... No, I think it may be a fear of accomplishing something. Fulfilling my "destiny" and then the time for death has come once my purpose is finished.

And I know this is absolutely absurd and asinine, but now maybe i have a way out of my patterns of behavior. who knows. i hope this is a clue.

Comments

[zboson.livejournal.com]

Whoa. That's pretty insightful, not "absure and asinine" at all. You know, I have the same problem, starting projects and coming up with ideas and so forth and then leaving them to languish while I wonder where my motivation went. I think you might be right about the mortality fear. I don't feel as if I'm afraid of death, or of dying, but rather of leaving certain people and things behind. Sometimes I'm terrified that my loved ones are going to die - I get this irrational, intense fear out of nowhere and have to check in with them to make sure they're okay and everything is fine.

Slowly I've been coming to terms with the idea of physical death, trying to confront it and understand it, because it is inevitable, really - it must be faced. But the conclusion of one thing is the beginning of another. Life doesn't end, it only changes hands.

Are you going to try and follow through with a project, complete the whole thing? I think you're right about breaking out of patterns, too. Maybe it will help you to understand that only good things come when you finish something, that there isn't some kind of dark emptiness lurking around the corner.

[karma-to-burn.livejournal.com]

are we speaking the same language? your words are mine, but it's the order i think that really makes us what we are. it's the undifined, the unexplainable. the things not know. but we are what we know. what we think. what we create. i think your clue is THE clue. you have a dangerous key my pal. the key is your thought. the lock is around all you've ever know.
(or so i would imagine. this i know not)

[abadman.livejournal.com]

This sounds like a mental wank to me. The key to finishing things is persistent effort. The key to persistent effort is discipline. The key to discipline is practice. Wandering from goals happens. When it happens though, it's an act of self discipline to bring yourself back to it. There is no spiritual voodoo or mystic subconscious secret to finishing what you start. Discipline gets a very bad rap in our culture. It's very misunderstood and seldom strove for. The reason you don't finish things is a lack of self discipline. I'm guessing you've never looked at discipline as a desirable attainable trait worth working for. In fact, I'd venture to guess you see discipline as opposing personal freedom. On the contrary, exercising self discipline is personal freedom actualized with intent. If the word discipline carries negative connotations for you, perhaps you should explore why and if that is reasonable.

[symbioid.livejournal.com]

You use the term discipline, I use the term will.

Will to power.

I admit it, I'm lazy. I have no explanation. Most assuredly my parents tried to give me an honest puritan work ethic. I coasted through school, doing well until 6th grade, and then just pretty much stopped giving a shit.

You can call it mental wankery if you want. But in order to have discipline, and will, you must know what you will.

You are very left brained. It's clear from your matter-of-fact handling of things. I believe it's why you deal with computers so well. I am a jumble of left and right. That's not an excuse, it just is.

You seem to have lack of appreciation for the abstract. Or at least, that's my perception. Psychoanalyzing of this nature is most assuredly abstract. And it's why you hate my posts so damn much(that, and half the time it sounds like whining, but in reality, it's just my attempt to understand myself) The fact that my posts end up contradicting themselves and have a hazy, non-linear quality that never seem to have a sense of the concrete. You like succintness. I am not. I think that's why you have a problem with my posts.

Or something.

But ultimately, yeah. I have a weak will. It's why I'm fat. It's why I never get shit done.

But at other times, I have such a fucking strong will, it's pathetic. Like, why do I stay at my job even though it's shit?(well, there ARE good reasons. A fucking awesome wage and bonus, for the lack of formal education I have) I can stick through shit. I suppose it's a matter of what I will, and for some reason, maybe some fucking martyr complex... If I truly willed to do what I want, maybe I wouldn't be in this mess.

It's like Crowley and his occult writings. I think magick is a path that could focus the will.

No, I don't think discipline is the anti-thesis of freedom. I tend to agree with you. I admire and respect monks who can meditate and focus the mind. I watch with awe the focus of martial-artists. This is their discipline, and they achieve so much. That achievement is the epitome of their discipline.

I'm lazy. My question is why? And how do I become not lazy. It's not just "you have to force yourself" That's part of the solution, yes. That's the part of discipline. But why are some people more lazy than others? Why such inertia in some people? Something I would like to know. OF course, trying to find that out is more wasting of time and lack of dedication.

Whatever. Just logorrhea.