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symbioidljI don't like feeling so brain-dead.
Like my mind has slowed to molasses.
Lately I've just been so "not here" so void, so un-alert. So un-attentive.
This is the opposite of meditation. The opposite of buddhist attention and clarity.
My perception has dimmed. I feel so fucking stupid so much. Not like "I'm stupid for blah blah...(ie: behavioral issues mean i'm a bad person)" but literally stupid.
I know I'm not. I just have no focus. My brain feels like their is no oxygen feeding it. No fuel to the fire.
I think maybe I'm slightly depressed, I dunno.
Whatever it is, it sucks, it bothers me and I don't like it. I lack some vital spark. Maybe it doesn't come through in my writing, I don't know. Maybe it does. But either way, I can tell a difference and it's been bothering me for a few weeks now.
I feel like this has been happening ever since I took some of the herbal supplements ann sent me. But I don't want to blame them, because it might just be a phase in my cycle.
But it would be damn nice to have that clarity again.
Like my mind has slowed to molasses.
Lately I've just been so "not here" so void, so un-alert. So un-attentive.
This is the opposite of meditation. The opposite of buddhist attention and clarity.
My perception has dimmed. I feel so fucking stupid so much. Not like "I'm stupid for blah blah...(ie: behavioral issues mean i'm a bad person)" but literally stupid.
I know I'm not. I just have no focus. My brain feels like their is no oxygen feeding it. No fuel to the fire.
I think maybe I'm slightly depressed, I dunno.
Whatever it is, it sucks, it bothers me and I don't like it. I lack some vital spark. Maybe it doesn't come through in my writing, I don't know. Maybe it does. But either way, I can tell a difference and it's been bothering me for a few weeks now.
I feel like this has been happening ever since I took some of the herbal supplements ann sent me. But I don't want to blame them, because it might just be a phase in my cycle.
But it would be damn nice to have that clarity again.
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no subject
Date: 2003-09-07 05:14 pm (UTC)i'm like that EVERY minute of EVERY day.
say hello casey. "hello!" good girl...
no subject
Date: 2003-09-08 08:49 am (UTC)being drained by the 'survival mode' which
sucks creativty out like you wouldn't believe.
I can't stand it but it is necessary. Plus
I can feel winter approaching and that is
draining as well. The sun, at the very
least, is fueling to a certain extent.
I miss you guys. I hope to visit again soon
once I am settled. Perhaps sometime in the
winter.
peace