crapping rainbows in your brain

In a recent post of mine regarding my friend Tony's purchase of the PSP, I was very judgemental. It was during my dark time on that Monday that I was feeling all this negativity.

Part of the reason of this darkness I was feeling was due to my oppositional tendencies. The biggest problem I have is playing the "devils advocate" and I believe it's an essential part to play...

at times.

However, I do it all too frequently. And not just in a sustained, reasonable manner, but with an excessive degree of passion that is not becoming of the situation in which I am being critical.

I think about this many times, especially the roles of opposition. The psychology of labeling something as "enemy," and other such issues. Relations of power. I deal with these things mentally, because of the effect that the teasing in school had on me. Some kids handle it in different ways.

I told Rosemary that if I were in school today, I've no doubt that some kids would be calling the pigs on me, afraid I was going to kill them. Put it this way... one of my best friends (vesicular's) cousin (I hope I did my apostrophes right... :) )... Travis... said to me "You scare me. I think you're gonna be the next Jeffrey Dahmer." And the thing was... I don't think he was joking. I mean, sure a little over the top, but you get the gist. I liked to wear black (still do)... I had a trenchcoat, and wore combat boots. I know I've described probably half my friends list as well. So you can probably empathize...

Anyways, this had an effect on me. I root for the little guy. That doesn't mean I fully support their cause or methods. I'm for Palestinian rights, but not Hamas, for example. I'm against "anti-semitism", but NOT for Zionism as it currently exists, which is an oppressive, racist(religious) state.

When I was a Christian, I was trained to believe that we were under attack by the evil, satanic, secular forces of the world. Now that I'm not, I see that it's a ruse to get a process of mental victimization instilled, in order to justify ever growing aggression. (the same reason that zionism bothers me). It's a sort of extreme outgrowth of the justice I feel needs done. Too often, victims don't want justice, but vengeance. And they want to have power their way.

So, when I see a big guy, I root for the little guy... When my friends support the big guy, it bothers me. It was pointed out to me, by rflagg that Nintendo is a big corporation... But they're not nearly as big as Sony, and I believe that they work towards making really unique and innovative games, and are trying to do something different at least.

But this oppositional tendency gets me down.

I was thinking about this on Monday with regards to my upbringing and the persecution/martyr complex fundie xians have. And how they're so intimately tied up with the power base as it is now in America. How they're so pro-capitalism (even though, to me, that is one of the biggest offshoots of Babylon there is), and yet they say they're persecuted. Because they can't have everything their way.

Yet, at least they have a system that is generally aligned with their beliefs. I live in a world that is completely and utterly not attuned to any of my beliefs. I am so alienated in the system. I hate Capital. And I hate unrestrained growth, and the drive for ever increasing profits. And I see all these issues of racism, sexism, homophobia, and many other issues of discrimination, and wonder why the fuck it has to be like this. And it gets me down.

I told Tony about my big post ranting about him, and told him I was sorry, cuz it is a shitty thing to do like that. I felt better after that.

Anyways, maybe you see why I bitch all the time. I'm trying to be more positive and affect my own spiritual growth in a more enlightened way. But I tell you, it's fucking hard... But that won't stop me from working on it.