William Power

[symbioidlj]

OK, so god-damnit. I'm a fat fuck. i'm kinda depressed about it now. I mean, I don't look as much as I weigh, but apparently it's obvious to those who haven't seen me in a while. If you've seen me day after day or something like that, you prolly can't tell.

First, tony asked me if I had gained weight, cuz I talked to our old neighbor, john, a couple weeks ago, and john said that i looked heavier. I told tony that as far as i knew i was maintaining. Cuz i had been. So i get home, and mom was like "you look a little bigger" both of these people have seen me after I shaved my head for summer. So i figured it was cuz i look different from that.

My parents have a scale and I weighed myself. WTF!!! I find i gained 10 fucking pounds in like 2 months or something. FUCK! And I wanted to be losing weight. You can't lose weight by sitting on your ass and hoping that you'll magically drop that fat, huh? Well that's what I"ve been doing.

I NEED to get some fucking will power. I want to do it for myself, but i feel like it's such a hard process and i know what it's gonna take and I'm afraid. I need to lose like at least 80 pounds to get where i want to be(minimum)... Moreso ideally, but that's pushing it. I mean, if I can just lose like 30 pounds, I think that would help a bit. I mean, fuck! Any weight i can lose would be beneficial. I don't wanna die of a fucking heart attack, i don't wanna have diabetes. I don't wanna die, period. I mean, i know when my time comes i wanna be ready, but there's too many things i need to do.

and this brings me to another thing and our good ol' friend Mr. Power.

Music. I can make a little with what equipment I've got, but I really want to get a synth. I use a tracker to sequence my samples, and it works fine for what it's worth, but i feel i don't have that much opportunity to really create something as detailed as I want. I want to have more control over the sound. This means I want to get a sweet ass synth. I've got Cubase VST 5, but what the fuck am i gonna sequence? Tony's got an xp-50 i should borrow sometime and try to figure that thing out. I dunno. I'm really thinking i might want a clavia nordlead-3.

But then i have to save money for moving and new furniture, and then i have to save for a new computer and a new car(I think, sadly, the car is most likely gonna have to be first, as much as I so DESPERATELY want a new computer) At least I'm not gonna wait til this car is completely fucked over before i get a new car like i have all my other cars... This one is a kicker(a little plymouth horizon, grey, 1989), but it's needing some engine help eventually, i think. Better to be prepared for the time, instead of rushing to find a cheap-ass shitty car that'll break down in a years time again. Grr...

I hope i can get a psych referral from my physician once i go to meet her. I think i'll talk to her about willpower and weight as my primary motive, but also compulsive behavior with spending and such...

I want things to build with her and I back to where they were. But, it's gonna take a lot of work. a LOT. I don't like work, but damnit, i'm gonna work for it. I love her, i miss her this weekend. She's such a beautiful woman to me. I'm such a shithead to her. sometimes at least. I'm only human, but all i can do is learn from my stupid mistakes and work on them with her support.

My dad has diabetes now. He's cut down a lot of carbs from his diet, and... AND!!! He gets on a fucking exercise bike now and goes like an hour a day at least. FUCK!!! If he can do shit like that at 63 years old, I sure as hell can, too!(I mean, NOW not when i'm 63... I can't wait til then.) anyways. Hope you all had a groovy and fucking beautiful weekend. Mine was alright. coulda been better, coulda been worse. We'll see how the week goes. yeck.

I think i wanna do some graphic design. Oh, and people? PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE check out:
my art gallery
and let me know what you think of the various work i've done. If it's shit, tell me, if it's good tell me. Give me honest critique. But tell me what you do and don't like. I know i've asked before. I tried to post an image, but for some reason it wasn't working, so i know you have to away from this page, but i PROMISE at least one or two images in the sets you will find interesting. Thanks a lot. I mean it.

BYE for now.(when it rains it pours, i guess... at least outta my brain. and maybe it's pouring shit. whatever)
me.

Comments

[jetson.livejournal.com]

Dave, I can tell you that I've lost 15 pounds in 1 and a half months, by cutting out the mountain dew(170 calories per can)only drinking juices and water alot, I walk 20-30 minutes a day, that IS the best overhaul workout for your body, it's an EASY habit to get into after about a week, you won't want to miss it.I don't eat sweets,chocolate, and eat only smaller portions. It has not been hard. YOU CAN DO IT!!! Even if you find it impossible to cut down on the mountain dew...you still can walk and get your metabolism up and that BURNS calories even when you're sone walking!! start slow, then increase time, I'm up to 45 minutes a day, started at 20 minutes a day, muscles better toned, I have a waist line now! If me, the lazy person that I am can get motivated so can you, especially if you want it bad enough...the wanting is so important, that is the only thing keeping me away from cigarettes, and believe me, quitting cigarettes (after 2 packs a day and 20 years later) is so much harder than losing weight, if I can do it...you can too!!! enough of this motivational speech....I sound like freakin Richard Simmons. uuhhhrrrgggg....
Hoping you can at least try...
By the way, love your graphics page...you know the ones I don't care for, but everybody's tastes are different anyway...so my opinion doesn't really matter, it's your opinion that counts!!!
I know you like feedback, but follow your own heart and style and be happy shit, now I sound like Barney the purple dinasour....stop me!!!
And that's all I have to say about that!

Well

[sophy.livejournal.com]

I love you.

[celestyna.livejournal.com]

You were the 100th caller. You get a booby prise :)

And I'm doing the lousing pound action thing too. It's slow, but proving fruitful. There are a million things you can do, but unfortunately, noone ever tells us how to keep doing them.
I need to lose 45 to be where I really wanna be. I'll get there. As soon as I let go of wanting to get there and cleaned out my life, I seemed to just drift into it.

You make music :)
We here at the Celestyna Corporation love that.

I'd say more but i'm tired as fsck. Thank you very much for running into me, I've already found a few useful things in your journal enties.

[symbioid.livejournal.com]

fsck. heh,cute reference. ;) Thanks for adding me! What, pray tell, if it's not too much to ask, have you found in my entries that are "useful"(moi? haha, yeah, whatever.(I like self-deprecation, btw, as if you couldn't tell))