So, I know I've posted in the past about one time wanting to just have a fucking mental psychotic breakdown and get it done with already and not have to go in to work (or at least my current place of employment).

I've also wished for a heart attack, for an accident that renders me disabled (at least temporarily)... something, anything to have an excuse to get the fuck out.

I know this isn't rational, nor "normal".
Is it common to have such horrific thoughts? I'm I just a freak? Will I feel this way about other jobs? I seriously don't think I've ever felt *this* way about a job before. I've had stressors. And I am definitely just more overall stressed these days than I used to be... I just have no clue how much comes down to my actual place of employment, and how much is actually just me, and I get scared thinking that maybe it's just me, and that, no matter where I go (jobwise), no matter what I do, I will always want some tragic fate to befall me in order to escape.

It scares me. I think I may mention it in my next "therapy" appointment. *sigh*

("therapy" means : go to the doctor so he gives me pills... Asks some questions and I politely pretend like nothing is wrong, except a few disturbances here and there (granted when I last went in, it wasn't that bad) I'm thinking of printing these types of posts of mine so I have something to bring in so he can see how I feel.
And yes, I know this is avoidant posting right now. And I know some of you know what I mean... Surely.

And ultimately it's the source of my problem. Expecting that my holiday weekend should have been free of labor, and to not feel guilty about it afterwards that I have to suffer more shit being shoved down my throat. No, I didn't work overtime on Friday. I could have. Sure, but there's something NICE about getting off on a weekend/holiday and leaving on time and knowing you're free. But if you work overtime? You're not free until that's over. I could've brought work home and done it any time during the weekend. But I decided I should be able to enjoy my weekend. I did. I didn't get as much done as I wanted to, but I still had a nice time overall. Now I have to suffer because I wanted to enjoy my holiday. Not only that, since in a holiday week, you're not working 40 hours, even though I put this "extra" time in now, it's still only 40 hours, so I don't get overtime. Had I done it before Sunday, i could've gotten overtime pay for it. So now I neither get overtime NOR any lasting enjoyment from the few days I had off.

Sorry to complain like this. I try not to. I rage, yeah, but I try not to get too personal about all this.

But really, I need the fuck out, and I need to find a job that allows me to contribute to the social causes I feel I need to work towards in society. While on the one hand I can say "great, I work in an assessors office, and I am helping to get fair and equitable taxes for a place and am helping them fund their education, etc..." I'm still supporting a system that I utterly despise with every fiber of my being.

(no subject)

Jun. 30th, 2005 02:16 am
symbioidlj: (Default)
bad past couple of days. cried at work. panic attack. fortunately was able to do my job for the most part. didn't leave early or go to the bathroom (to hide).

sick of reality. wanted escape. claustrophobic. don't know why the fuck i didn't pop in radiohead. *sigh*

tonight, I was thinking of writing to my 3rd grade teacher (I oft do so, but never get around to it), and thanking her for encouraging my questioning mind. then i thought: but that's what's causing my problems. i don't just "accept" it. and then i got mad about that. i can't just ignore it all like others do (not you guys, you're smarter than that)... but as i reflected upon this, I realized that I have this moral conviction and rage and yes it saddens me, but how dare some "Christian" lecture me on morality when they support the mass murder known as war. And I can take hope in the fact that this sorrow and anger is a symptom of my conscience, and I should be glad that I can still feel it. If I didn't, I would truly be a dead, evil person inside, and I refuse to let them do that to me. I'm better than that. So hopefully, tomorrow I can start my day with this knowledge, confident and safe in this knowledge that I still feel the right thing, that I know love for my fellow earth-children.

(no subject)

Mar. 28th, 2005 05:08 pm
symbioidlj: (Default)
just when i'm getting way way down...

(the thoughts running through my head go something like this:  at least suicidal people have a will to do something)

so, I'm listening to "Captain Webb" by Baby Mammoth(an acid-jazz group), and at the end of it is the sample "Deny, deny, deny, admit nothing..."

I'm just now looking at a link someone posted to a thing about Bill Frist, Republican Senate Majority Leader, a "Doctor" as it were.  And he says he thinks that HIV may be transmitted through tears and sweat...  Or rather, he's not sure if it can or not.

Anyways, my point being...  The universe gave me a synchronicity.  The title of this piece???

Deny, Deny, Deny

http://www.1115.org/index.php?p=775

(no subject)

Feb. 22nd, 2005 01:31 pm
symbioidlj: (Default)
suddenly an existential malaise has drifted over me. i hate that. especially when it's nice and sunny outside. and the boss and his wife are gonna be stopping in(boo... they were on va-ca for a week, and apparently they're back (I thought they'd be back tomorrow evening, but apparently they're BACK tomorrow day) sight)

and i think we should have a universal sabbatical law. Everyone gets a sabbatical every 7 years. All survival needs paid in full.

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